The 2023 Open Championship

There are times in life that things are put into perspective. I recently received news that my dad would need a triple-bypass open heart surgery as it was discovered that following his heart attack some 20 years ago his arteries have reclogged and in order for him to continue his life he would have to go under the knife. So due to this, this President had a choice to make. Fly to Houston to be there for his family or choose golf and the boys. Well, I chose golf and then this selfish asshole who is my father chose to delay his surgery to the following week and I had already bought a non refundable ticket so off to Houston I went, missing my chance at glory while hoisting The Open Trophy. But I digress, however, there are some bittersweet truths that also put life into perspective. Stop waiting for life to be kinder, for the storms to calm, for your big break to magically appear, for your white knight to round the corner or for a fair maiden to come and fulfill your every desire. Stop betraying yourself. Stop betraying your dreams.

Seasons will always change. Whatever it is keeping you up at night, tossing, turning, sweating or medicating (Dozer), will eventually pass. You may be in a storm, but even seemingly endless storms do not last forever. A rainbow(Sloppy) will always appear after the rain. The sun will shine again. Spring always follows winter. Inevitably, the season is going to change. Adaptability is what sets the warriors apart from the defeated(Headcase). Life is a cycle of never-ending changes, and you must possess the ability to adapt to those changes. Do not be frightened of them. Do not cling or clutch to whatever season you are in, and do not try to return to a season of yesterday(Toro). Some seasons are for planting seeds and some are for harvest. So, taste the fruit and drink the drink of each. Whether bitter or sweet, it, too, shall pass.

Don't Be So Dramatic; Your Problems Are Probably Not So Tragic. I realize there are exceptions to this, however I once heard that if people could dump all of their problems out onto the street for trade, the majority of people would want their own problems back. Perhaps you have a friend you call every day for the purpose of unloading your troubles. The truth is, they have troubles, too... perhaps they simply choose to not unload their troubles on you. Everyone is faced with obstacles, including the guy you are absolutely certain has it all (Easy). So, if your problems are a matter of consequences of your own mistakes, don't be so dramatic. You are not a victim of a hex, but perhaps hexing yourself with your own mindset(Golden). The truth is, you are equipped to handle the hand you have been dealt. So dust off your knees(Spanky) and start believing in your resiliency.

With that being said, Congrats to you, Hellboy, Our 2023 Open Champion!

On to the Lowlights:

Dozer - Late Reg, No Call, No Show. Infinity Bitcher Pitchers assigned to you. However, the 9 shots/hole you were assigned was probably close to the score you would have shot. Is he still a candidate for the cup?

Conman - Called out sick. Gen Z? Millenial? Whatever you call him for his bitchass-ness, he's definitely no Caleb. At least he called instead of pulling a Sloppy/Dozer.

Headcase - 9th Place - A 103. Gonna want to pad that handicap a little more buddy. I've called dibs on Headcase for the Cup.

Easy - 8th Place - A couple of 8's killed his chances. In addition to worrying about his son's health (brown bottle flu) he had a swing he couldn't trust either. At least you still have Caleb, Easy.

Roedog - 7th Place - Going easy on the Dog this week as he's the only one who reached out to me to check on Pops. Middle finger to the rest of you dicks.

Spanky - 6th Place - How the mighty have fallen. No longer a runaway winner for this years FedEx Cup, he's going to have to earn it down the stretch. My vote? Hellboy, in a landslide.

Magic - 5th Place - Vote to change his name from Magic Mike to Mediocre Mike until he does something worthy of the name. Either shoots his way to the top of a leaderboard or learns to lap dance to "Pony" by Ginuwine.

Chambermaid - 4th Place - 2nd Highest gross of the day good for 4th. God, I love this league. Also makes me question how the hell have I not won one. That's right, my swing.

El Toro - 3rd Place - Tied for low gross and still has Sloppy and Hellboy in front of him. At least he's used to being behind these 2. (get it? cause he's usually plowing them from behind.) Will he ever catch a break? Most say no.

Sloppy - 2nd place - If not for Hellboy's heroric 84 we would be calling Sloppy a back to back champ. Sloppy. Most improved golfer of the year? or has he just gotten better at planting his balls along the course so he can find them later? Like a Tootsie Pop the world may never know. But I promise that the random draw will have he and I together down the stretch to ensure that this isn't just y'all turning a blind eye.

Hellboy - Champion - 84 Low Gross Net 62. No one is beating you. Drops his 'cap a total of .3. Not the guy you want to see hitting his stride come Cup time.

Anyways,

Onward and Upward,

President Precious